SWOLLEN

Editor’s Note: This multi-disciplinary collaborative artwork includes descriptions of child sexual assault.


 

When I sleep and dream of my earliest memories I am five

I can’t see myself at all but I look down and my hands are bleeding

So now we are in my dream and I think I am a five year old girl

my hands are so sore, they are swollen around the knuckles

and then I remember this is my earliest memory, and it is made up of only three senses

taste, touch, then come the sounds

hearing in my dreams your dry lips smacking, pulling your spit in and down your throat from the corners of your mouth, cause you are panting now

drooling like a dog that’s ill and when you are finished with me, neither of us have anything to say

maybe you were ashamed too

now we are in my dream

I am calm and still able to forget but my hands are covered in sweat, heavy knuckles

causing my arms to feel tired and wrists to fall limp

I’m weakened by my heavy hands

When I dream of my earliest memories I am five and I can tell

Since I don’t yet know how to properly clean underneath my nails

So pieces of you stay there, your oily skin, rancid breath, your dominance

your assault

These pieces of you stay there and slowly rot my hands

All of me that’s left is swelling quickly, my hands no longer my weapons

I’ve absorbed you now completely and the pain has moved from my fallen fingers to my chest and when I breath I can taste your attack

The memory of you reverberates in my lungs like common congestion

But what is now living off of my breath and common


Images: Eva Wo

Words: Lux Plastic

Eva Wo (Instagram: @snaxho_) is a queer mixed race photographer, videographer and curator born in New Mexico and based in Philadelphia. Her current projects include an ongoing queer/trans/nonbinary photo series AFTERWARDS, and organizing the annual Hot Bits XXX Film Festival, Philly’s only queer porn festival. Her work centers and creates visibility for queer, trans, and nonbinary folks, particularly those who do not see representations of themselves in media, and those who have been made to feel invisible and marginalized. Through artistic facilitation and space creation she develops transformative visuals that answer to the vital need for images of queer liberation.

Lux Plastic (they/ themme) is a non binary femme, visual artist, and self identified air head, creatively centered in still image, performance and video. They seek healing through the resexulization of their body post assault, to create positive associations, comfort and sensitivity. By existing in cyberspace, they are lent the tools of emotional mutation.

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