Wow I’m so sexual.
What is this magical feeling? What is this heat between my legs and in my heart? I followed it as I gazed at glossy fashion models groping each other in bucolic settings. At the time, pre-pubescence, nothing stopped me from acting on this sensation. It felt powerful. I connected to the heat through clumsy attempts at masturbation and by playing games with my friends that inevitably ended in us humping each other.
At some point I started channeling this energy into kissing avec la langue. I “practiced” with whoever was willing. Eventually, I was making out with people for real. There was no stopping me. If I wanted it, I asked for it, “Hey, do you want to go make out?”
I kissed a lot of people in high school. I begun to feel like my sexual powers weren’t my secret anymore. The heat wasn’t as fresh and intense as it was as a child. Kissing was executed. When it came to keeping lovers for extended periods of time, forget it, I was hopelessly distractible. When I fell in love for the first time, in all of it’s six-month long bliss, college distracted me.
In college I used my powers all over the place. I slept with most of my friends. I juggled lovers. I caught as many opportunities as I could manage, or so it seemed. Sometimes I had allies: another witch and I would make our way through one friend group after another. Sometimes we would get stuck on one lover. We would funnel magic into that person, but they never appeared empowered. It didn’t seem like they knew what to do with our powers.
A few years in, however, my witch friends found people who were ready to take on their powers. These folks could handle it, give it back, and keep the magic flowing. I felt lost. I wanted to find someone who could handle my powers. I pretended one person was excelled at handling my powers, and that everything was amazing and fine. In reality I dulled my powers with alcohol and “faked” powerful explosions of power. The charade of our relationship distanced me from the magic within.
For the next two or three years, my powerful body searched in vain for a powerful partner. I continued to have fun with my powers, but since power practices in my coven had changed, a lot of my witch friends worried that I was giving out my sacred powers too easily and sharing my secrets with unworthy recipients. I felt badly that my friends were worried, and it made me doubt how I used my powers.
Every witch needs to learn how to use her powers. At some point I stopped looking for someone to funnel powers into, and focused more on how my powers could serve and teach me. I remembered, “Wow I’m so sexual” and I was not ashamed. Instead, I found that that mantra rings truer than ever. Now, I fondly look back on the way I pranced with my powers—it was a time to learn, to laugh, and to make dark magic.
I need to use my powers. They don’t run out; they get more powerful. I’ve learned how to use them to serve myself as well as others. I’ve learned that the only person who needs to care about how I use my powers is I. The most important remains: don’t hold back. Let that river flow out of you and into someone else. Maybe your powers will flow into a sponge and leave you feeling sapped. Maybe they’ll flow into a brick wall and crash back at you. Maybe they’ll flow over a toad and nothing will happen. Maybe they know perfectly well what they are doing and need to poke and prod around this world until they find a hot place to hang out for a while in good company. We can learn a lot about ourselves from our powers, and they never stop growing, so let them run wild, please and be pleased, and watch your magic happen.